There it is, the list...
who made first string, who made second string...
and who didn't even make the basketball team.
What do you think is worse...
second string or not making the team?
Second string. What do you think is worse...
second string or falling out of an airplane...
and landing on the Empire State Building on your eye?
If you make second string, you still have to sit...
on the bench in front of everyone...
and your uniform's always clean...
and you always get a high number like 867.
Not something any of us have to worry about, however.
We're not second string, bench-warming, "B" team guys.
I made the "B" team! I made the "B" team!
Can you believe it? Wait till I tell my father!
Why don't we check the list?
Just to make sure coach spelled our names right.
"Hunter, Shawn, A-team."
Surpriserama!
"Robertson, comma, Harris. A-team."
"Air" Harris. I like it.
I'm going to have to shave this.
"Matthews, Cory, A-team."
Wait a minute.
They spelled "A" with a "B"!
Duf, you're reading the wrong line.
"Matthews."
B-team?
Come on, guys. It's got to be a typo.
It's handwritten!
I'm on the B-team, second string.
Just drop me on the Empire State Building.
Aw, so what?
- Yeah, no big deal. - It doesn't change anything.
I mean, it's not like you're going to lose your friends.
Right.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Homo sapiens.
Modern man.
As you can see, he walked fully upright...
had opposable thumbs, and was known for...
A mother who labels his underwear.
At least I have more than one pair.
Moving back through history...
we devolve to the Neanderthaloids...
who made and used tools.
Now, can anybody tell me...
what was going on before the Neanderthaloids?
Anybody?
Anybody but Mr. Minkus?
Take it away, Minkus.
A billion years ago, the world breathlessly anticipated...
the emergence of life...
from the prebiological organic compounds of the sea.
Ow.
You can take your seats. Thank you.
What Mr. Minkus is saying is that we were waiting...
for the lowest form of life to crawl out of the slime.
I'm here.
What?
Mr. Feeny was just talking about you.
I Was in With the basketball coach.
I have a note. Did I miss anything?
Two hundred million years of human evolution.
Cool.
So, what's the deal?
It wasn't a mistake. I'm on second string.
Hey, you, too? Congratulations! Did you tell your dad?
No, I happen to like my dad.
[BELL RINGS]
Aren't you going to lunch, Mr. Matthews?
Why eat? Eating would only keep me alive.
I don't understand your depression.
Mr. Minkus seemed rather enthused...
about his position on the second string.
Look, Mr. Feeny, I know you think Minkus...
is, like, the next Alvin Einstein...
but if he's so smart, why doesn't he know...
second string is for losers?
Alvin Einstein.
This is my life.
Maybe I should just quit basketball altogether.
- I agree. - What?
Mr. Matthews, the lesson that you missed today...
was on natural selection.
Nature has already made a selection for you.
And as far as basketball is concerned...
you are the dodo bird.
Oh, yeah? Well, no offense, Mr. Feeny...
but that Darwin didn't know diddly about sports.
Oh, I believe he did.
Survival of the fittest, Mr. Matthews.
In sports, the weak are weeded out.
Only the strong survive.
Hold it, hold it. Are you saying I'm weak?
Did you make the first string?
No, but maybe that's just the coach's way...
of telling me to evolve.
Maybe I'm supposed to crawl my way...
out of the slime of second string...
and slither up to first string.
Look out, Mr. Feeny, I'm a species on the move.
It's so simple.
- Eric, you're here! - Yeah, the old Eric's here.
The new Eric's going to be here in ninety days...
according to Make Me Big magazine.
I don't Want the new Eric. I Want the Eric...
who's the best basketball player I know.
I'm not the best anything. I'm scum!
You're scum! You're scum! You're scum!
Hey, hey, hey, I've got a problem here.
I need to get better in basketball.
You call that a problem? I laugh at your problem! Ha!
Could you take a flex break? I need you to pay attention.
What?
I just started dating.
Now it's gone. Dating's over. They ripped it away from me.
- Heather dumped you? - Yeah. They all dumped me.
Every tenth grade girl in America dumped me.
What'd you do to upset them?
I'm not a senior. That's What I did.
I'm a sophomore! You know what that makes me?
- Scum! Scum! Scum! - Scum! Scum! Scum!
Seniors with their cars and their muscles...
and their Burger King trainee hats!
Eric, you're ignoring me.
Yeah, well, the whole world doesn't revolve around you, Cor.
Uhh!
Ohh!
I'm starting to get that feeling.
Eehh!
I'm going to be the best princess in the play.
Morgan, if you don't hold still...
you're going to be the best princess with tetanus.
I'm home. No interviews, please.
I'm a princess.
Yeah, and I had lunch with Elvis.
Somebody's in a snicky mood.
What's the matter, Cor? Your first game didn't go well?
Yeah, didn't go well is a thing you could say.
- Want to hear about it? - Cookies!
I got to get that and slide in another dozen.
- I'll be back in two seconds. - I'll take the cookies out!
No, Morgan, they're hot! Your costume...
Hey, Cory.
You just kill and eat a Vegas showgirl?
Hi, dad. Morgan's a princess today.
Hey, I'm sorry I didn't see your basketball game.
Mom told you why, didn't she?
Mom and I didn't really get a chance to talk.
Ah, well, you see, the district manager showed up, and...
- It's oK, dad. - No, it's not oK.
Give me the play-by-play. Don't leave anything out.
Make it come alive for me.
- Well, we won. - All right!
But, dad, I think you should know I didn't actually get...
Dad! Look, this is serious. I need $36,000 right now.
Sure, can you break a fifty thousand?
Come on, dad. Heather used the words "other people."
You know what that means? "other people" with cars.
Now, look, you give me $36,000 for a 'Vette...
and I'll never ask you for anything again.
No.
I had a feeling you might say that...
but I came up with a plan on how to save you $26,000.
Say it with me, dad... Harley.
Say it with me, Eric... Schwinn.
Excuse me, dad, but I'm still alive for free, and...
You're not even old enough to drive.
Oh, so now you're on me for not being a senior.
Eric, sit down, will you?
Cory, come on, tell us all about your big game.
Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a big game...
and I wouldn't call it mine.
Hi, guys. I didn't know you were home.
Mom, you do not want to see me on a motorcycle...
- do you? - No.
See, dad? Mom wants you to buy me the car.
But if you really want to hear about it...
- I made cookies. - You did?
Because if you really want to hear about it...
I'm the guy to tell you.
Yep, and mommy helped.
Wild Cats are down two points...
with only a minute left in the game.
The ball in bounds...
he flies down the court to take the pass!
He shoots! He scores! It's a tie game!
Mustangs try to toss to midcourt!
I dart between two humungoids and snatch the ball!
Their only hope is to foul me on purpose.
They do!
I'm at the line. There's no time left on the clock.
The crowd goes nuts!
Cory! Cory! Cory!
The ball leaves my hands and arcs in superslow motion...
as the crowd goes deathly silent.
And then... swish! Nothing but net!
The crowd goes, "Aah!"
I win the game!
- That's incredible. - I can't believe I missed it.
You're such a hero, Cor.
No, I'm not. You know why? I didn't even get to play.
I just made all that stuff up.
He has an active imagination.
You know why I don't get to play?
Because I'm just a second string, bench-warming nobody.
- Cory... - First of all...
there's nothing wrong with being second string.
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with being second string.
Now, why didn't you tell us this before, Cor?
He told me.
It's going to cost me the car, isn't it?
Why didn't you tell us?
You're supposed to tell us what he says.
That's why you sleep in the same room with him.
You see? I'm trying to spill my guts out...
and you guys are having a family meeting.
This is why I have to make up...
a whole exciting life to get any attention.
- Oh, Cory, that isn't true. - Yes, it is.
You spend half your day with Eric at the store...
and the rest of the time...
you're talking about his pathetic love life.
Hey.
And you're always braiding Morgan's hair...
or making a costume for her.
And, I mean, I get it...
that she's the baby of the family and all, but...
You know, being second string in basketball is hard enough...
but I'm only on the second string in my own family.
Why don't you want me to go up and talk to him?
Because I think you and I should talk first.
What about? Cory's had a basketball disappointment.
He's overreacting. I'm going to go tell him that.
Is he overreacting?
What does that mean, that he's right?
That I spend more time with Eric...
I don't care as much about him?
No. I just think that Cory is going through middle-pause.
Is that a scientific term?
Yeah. I mean, this week, Eric has girl problems...
Morgan needs to be a princess...
and there's a kid in the middle that didn't get heard.
Because there's three of them now.
We let ourselves get outnumbered.
Yep. When there were two of them...
we had them covered man-to-man.
Now we're in a zone defense, and Cory's problem got by us.
What's the game plan, coach?
Full court press, double-team Cory.
- Go, team, go. - Hey.
Just a little sport thing.
Wasn't that a great game yesterday...
sitting on the bench, cheering on the team?
I'm still pumped!
Minkus-Abdul Jabbar!
We couldn't have been any closer to the action...
unless we actually played.
Check it out.
I dug out this old edition of Sports illustrated for you.
I already know I'm not on the cover.
Lighten up. There's an article in here...
on great sports figures who sat on the bench...
before they got their big break.
Really?
Yeah. It says that Steve Young...
sat on the 49ers' bench for five years...
before he became the starting quarterback.
And then he won MVP.
- Man, this is good news. - I knew you'd like it.
Wow. These are, like, major guys.
And they all came back from the brink.
If they can do it, you can do it.
Yeah! That'll prove I'm worth something.
Maybe coach'll put you in the game today.
Maybe you'll score twenty points.
Yeah, maybe then I'll be on the A-team permanently.
I'm going to be season MVP.
I'm going to be unstoppable!
Matthews, why are you suited up?
Second-string doesn't go to the away games.
Anybody home?
Mom?
Probably baking cookies with Morgan.
You know, there was a time when you used to bake cookies with...
And I'm talking to nobody.
Anybody home?
Well, the furniture's still here...
so you didn't move without me.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Hard Edition...
when her daughter didn't seLL enough cookies...
to win the grand prize...
Mom killed the whoLe troop.
Now there's a mom Who cares.
MAN ON Tv:. WeLL. I think we've aLL Learned a Lesson...
here today. kids.
When you've got family...
a house fuLL of Love...
and a puppy...
[PUPPY BARKS]
MAN ON Tv:. If you not making a Lot of money. you a Loser.
MAN ON Tv:. By carefully inserting...
the tip of the probe into the throbbing heart muscle...
[CLICK]
6:24. Dinnertime, and nobody's home.
I'm eleven years old! Come on! I'm on a schedule here.
What am I supposed to do for food?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Mr. Matthews, what are you doing?
Uh, I'm burying a hamster.
I see you basted the little cadaver with barbecue sauce.
Mr. Feeny, nobody's in my house. My family's abandoned me.
Is that so? Why would they do something like that?
Maybe because I only made second-string...
and they were ashamed of me.
You think that's what happened, huh?
That's why I'm trying to survive on my own.
I mean, I saw your chicken cooking...
and the voice of Chuck Darwin whispered in my ear...
"Just do it."
Survival of the fittest, Mr. Feeny. You taught me that.
In the first place, Mr. Matthews...
snatching a chicken from a grill...
is hardly chasing down and spearing a mastodon.
And in the second place, your family didn't abandon you.
They went to your basketball game.
My family went to my game? Why?
One would assume that they wanted to watch you play.
But, I mean, I told them...
second-string doesn't get to play.
We just sit on the bench and rot.
Well, then, one would assume that they went to watch you rot.
My family drove all the way to Cheltenham...
to watch me sit on the bench?
- Yes, Mr. Matthews, they did. - Why would they do that?
Well, perhaps if you kept listening...
to the voice of Chuck Darwin...
he might've told you that the highest form of evolution...
is a family of human beings who genuinely care for each other.
What if it seems like sometimes they don't care?
Sometimes you have to give your family...
the benefit of the doubt.
That's part of your personal evolution.
Do you know what happens to you if you stop evolving?
I end up like this guy?
More or less.
Mr. Feeny, we got a situation here.
I need you to drive me to the game.
I need to drive me to a restaurant.
You buried my dinner, remember?
I'm sorry about your chicken.
Drive me to the game, and I'll buy you a couple corn dogs.
Tempting, but no.
Please, Mr. Feeny. My family's finally there for me.
I need to be there for me for them.
[CRYING]
Oh, have some dignity, man.
My car's out front.
Cool. You know, if we dust this off...
we can eat it on the way.
Ah, what a night.
Those sixth grade girls thought I was so cool.
I'm going to tuck Morgan in. I'll be right back down.
I want to say good night to Cory first.
Well, hero, say good night to your sister.
Good night, Morgan.
You were awesome.
Must you kiss me?
Well, you had yourself a big night tonight.
Six points. Who would've thought...
three first-stringers would foul out...
and they'd need me to jump in?
Yeah, maybe your coach learned...
to bring a couple second-stringers...
along with him on the road games to cover his butt, huh?
I'm really proud of the way you handled yourself.
Three baskets in the last minute.
Mr. Clutch.
Sure, we were up by thirty-one, but still.
Well, I'm not talking about basketball.
I'm talking about the way you handled things today.
You come home to an empty house...
there's nobody here, but you don't panic.
You commandeer the neighbor's car...
And the neighbor.
And you get yourself to the game.
It's called survival of the fittest.
I was explaining it to Mr. Feeny earlier.
Well, Morgan doesn't want to hear a story from me tonight.
She wants to hear a story from the basketball star.
I think I can squeeze in a little Green Eggs and Ham...
before I hit the showers.
- Hey, guys? - Hey, Cor.
How come you drove all the way out to my game?
I mean, you knew I was just going to sit on the bench.
You must've had something better to do.
Me? No.
Well, Cory, it really doesn't matter to us...
if you sit on the bench or if you score a hundred points.
Come on, it does so.
No, it really doesn't. I mean, there are times...
when I catch your father just watching you sleep.
Only if there's nothing good on TV.
You still watch me sleep?
Do you watch Eric?
Yeah, but I'll probably stop when he's a senior...
and he gets a life.
Hey, thank you for your support.
I think I'm going to go into the kitchen...
and eat something that causes a lot of zits...
because it really doesn't make any difference.
Look, Cor, there's nobody in this family...
that's going to be disappointed...
by you being second-string, third-string, or no-string...
as long as you try the best you can.
We're only disappointed when you don't tell us...
if something's bothering you.
Well, I tried, but nobody was listening.
You want to know who's in my room telling me a story?
Nobody.
Come on, honey, you have to wait a minute.
We're talking with Cory.
Well, look, Cory, you're going to have to make me listen.
How?
Just grab my face and say, "Hey, dad! Listen to me!"
As long as you got my face, you got my attention.
- Dad? - Yeah?
Let go of my face.
I feel kind of bad about the things I said.
Uh-huh.
And, well...
Don't you hate it when you have to apologize?
Yeah, but we don't mind hearing them.
You know, when you're eleven, and you start hanging out...
at a lot of other sixth graders' houses...
you get to know a lot of other parents.
Believe me, I know the difference...
between the good ones and the bad ones.
And?
And, well...
What do you want from me, blood?
Hey!
Where's my story?
Good night.
I'm telling you, Feeny's a maniac behind the wheel.
I didn't know a Gremlin could go that fast.
No way. Feeny?
The guy takes twenty minutes to peel an orange.
Hey, I was in the car.
He was clipping corners, driving on the sidewalk...
catching air off speed bumps.
Our Mr. Feeny burning rubber? I think not.
I thinkWhat We see in the classroom...
just may be the Clark Kent side of Mr. Feeny.
I would've had you if that light hadn't turned yellow.
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